Let’ Face It, I Will Not Live Forever

I have been thinking about death recently and have been working on my last words, which has resulted in the following ideas and other thoughts:

It’s all gone by so quickly, except for the last 60 years, or so.
Life was like a merry-go-round; I was never so nauseous.
My mother never thought I would amount to anything, and I spent my whole life trying to prove her wrong, or at least to create a reasonable doubt.
I guess it was to be expected that on the occasion of my death, my blue suit would not be back from the cleaners.
Why is it that after a full life, all I can think about were the good parking spaces?
I came into this world with nothing and am leaving 50 pounds overweight.
My life has been like a pot roast, or was it the other way around.
About the best you can say about me is that I never passed gas in a crowded elevator, despite one or two close calls.
I regret that I have but one life – that’s it.
If I get to meet God: If all men are created equal, are some damaged during transportation?
If I get to meet God: Were two coats of paint really necessary? What’s so funny?
If I get to meet God: How do you decide who gets to drive a new BMW and who the used Plymouth Valiant? No, really.
I don’t believe in reincarnation; I can’t even believe my life actually took place
If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would like to come back as part of a majority, any majority.
What a relief it will be not to worry about where I put my keys.
It is a far, far better place I go than the three and a half rooms I have been living in for 32 years.
Though I cannot specifically recall, I must have taken a vow of poverty somewhere along the way.
If I get to meet God: Make it a Scotch and water.
My only regret is that I cannot remember anything I haven’t regretted.
Yea, I am about to walk in the shadow of death – doesn’t that sound like fun?
I was never of sound mind and body all at the same time.
To all of my friends at MasterCard, up yours.
If I get to meet God: What was this some kind of sick joke?!
All of my life I wanted to move south. Now, as my life is coming to an end, all I want to do is go north.
If I get to meet God: I was just kidding when I said that George Burns was probably better looking than you.
If I get to meet God: Funny thing is I thought all I wanted to know was the meaning of life. Now that I’m here, questions about death seem to be at the top of my list.
If I get to meet God: Why do Jews like smoked fish so much? And why is it that you cannot slice it thin enough to satisfy us?
If I get to meet God: Do you have a plan, or are you playing this whole thing by ear?
I have always wished for peace on earth, although there were a couple of days when I begged God for a yacht in the Mediterranean.
I can’t remember having had a particular calling in life, or even a mere suggestion.
I lived my life much as my father, who ate what he wanted, smoked, drank and didn’t exercise much and still lived the better part of 50 years.
I wish I would have been taller. I would have been the same schmuck, but taller.
I lived my life best I could; that pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
I lived my life according to the adage that a penny saved is a penny earned. I just didn’t get that wasn’t supposed to be my only goal.
When I was a young boy, my mother dreamed I might be a judge one day. Later, she just wanted me out of the house.
I didn’t live a very good life. Was that my responsibility?
It is a great comfort to have ones faith as death draws near. Strangely, it is just as comforting to be holding the hand of a young blonde hired for the evening.
Life is a mystery. Personally, I think the butler did it.